A tribute to my friend, Joe Whelan

Kind. Loving. Generous. Modest. Loyal. Simple. Friend. The words come easily from my mouth when describing Joe Whelan. Anyone who knew him would agree. Joe was just a really good guy. There’s something about the word “good” that doesn’t seem good enough though. But in my eyes, being a good person is what I strive for in life, making it one of the best compliments I can give someone.

I first met Joe in 2008. My dad had just passed away from leukemia and I was training for the Honolulu Marathon with Team in Training. Joe was one of my coaches and my first introduction to running. I will never forget that first marathon. It took me nearly 6 hours because well, I was a rookie, and made all the rookie mistakes! But, what I remember most about that race was Joe finding me out of 20,000 runners and pacing me at the very moment I was hitting the proverbial “wall”. As Joe ran and talked with me, I completely forgot about how tired I was. This would be my first experience being lifted up by a pacer and being lifted up by Joe.

I got the opportunity to coach with Joe in 2017. I use the word coaching lightly because he was the coach, and I was more so the assistant coach/sidekick. I don’t know how much I loved the experience of assistant-coaching. What I did love was hanging out with Joe. Joe was a mysterious guy. It’s hard to discern if this was due to being a private person or being an introvert. Maybe these aspects play a role in why Joe was the way he was, but part of me thinks that the main reason is that Joe was so humble that he didn’t like to talk about himself too much. The conversation was always about you. How are YOU doing? What’s going on with YOU? When’s YOUR next race? Spending Wednesday nights at Kezar track and weekend long runs with Joe gave us the opportunity to get to know each other more. When I griped about my problems, he was always there to listen and to lend a non-judgmental ear. He was a great listener.

Joe with the team. Fort Baker, 3-25-17

Joe could sometimes be flaky, which is a weird thing to say about someone who is so loyal and dependable. I always just thought it was Joe being Joe, and that this was simply part of his mystique. I justified this aspect of him with all of his other great qualities, but I was always curious if there was a part of Joe that I was missing. Did he not want to get too close to people? Was it part of his introvert nature? Was he forgetful? Do I read too much into someone not calling me back?

But like I said, you could count on Joe. In 2019, I asked him if he would pace me in the early morning hours of a 24 hour run. I knew he was a morning person. He got up at 4 or 5 every day. Running around in the dark around Chrissy Field, I began to become excited at the thought of seeing Joe. When I first met him I had never run more than a couple miles at a time and now I was running for 24 hours non-stop! I began to wonder, what if he doesn’t show up? He said he would be here, but what if he has a late night and forgets or something comes up? But right on the dot, Joe was there and with the help of the sunrise, I was once again lifted up by his company and his stories. It seemed fitting that the person who helped me run my first marathon over a decade ago would help me run my first 24 hour/100 mile+ race. After that run, Joe told me that I should write about my experience. So I started this blog.

In the Spring of 2020 I started grad school at SFSU. I couldn’t wrap my head around how the commute was going to work. Joe always wanted to help in any way that he could. He offered me a room in his apartment, but when the time came he was helping out another friend of his. This was typical Joe. Always helping out a friend. He told me he would get back to me when he found out his friend’s situation. But he never got back to me. I always try and be as compassionate as possible when considering my friends. I try not to be too needy or demanding. But at this time I thought, “Well, the ball is in his court”. I started taking public transportation to school which actually worked out great. Then COVID happened. The ball was in Joe’s court for a long time. I thought about him often but thought, he will reach out to me when he wants to. That Fall he sent me a text “I am such a bad friend…have not checked in with you at all but I think about you often”. Same here, Joe. And there is no way that you could ever be a bad friend!

Since Fall of 2020, I shared a few texts and one phone call with Joe. During that phone call he said he would call me back but never did. In his defense, I did call him at work. In our last conversations he spoke about his dog Asics getting older and how he was running less and less. Asics was everything to him, and he was everything to Asics. He was going to have a really hard time when it was time to say goodbye to Asics. Part of me is relieved he never had to deal with that day. I thought about visiting Asics after some of his last messages. I wanted to say goodbye to her because I wasn’t sure when would be my last time seeing her. I never once thought my time with Joe was numbered, too.

When you lose someone suddenly you think about all the things you should have and could have done or said. I wish I had kept in better touch with Joe. I wish I had paid him and Asics a visit when the thought came up. Did he know what a good person he was? Did he know what he meant to me? I have so many friends that I love yet keep at a distance. I want to call them, but I think they’re busy with their lives, they don’t want to be bothered. I wish I had bothered Joe more.

I wanted to sort out and remember my relationship with Joe in this entry, but I don’t want this to be all about me. Joe is the one who deserves all the attention now. During my time coaching with Joe, I had an assignment for a class where I had to interview a coach and write a paper about that person. I chose to write about Joe. At the time, I wanted to share it with the Kezar Road Runners, but I knew he would feel bashful about that. I want to share it now. I hope that it gives a little more insight into the amazing and selfless person that he was. His memory lives on in all the lives that he touched. Wednesday nights at Kezar and at the pub will never be the same.

Joe announcing awards at the 2018 Jingle Bell Run, his favorite event of the year!
Joe loved gifting bottles of wine

Embracing the Lifestyle with Joe Whelan

Some people go through life working at a 9-5 desk job, wondering what lies on the other side of those glass windows. Did they make the right choices in life? Do they truly enjoy what they are doing for a living? Does it matter that one truly enjoys their career? For Joe Whelan, the lead coach of the San Francisco Bay Area Team in Training team, I can tell just minutes from meeting him that he has no regrets in life. He is truly living the dream. While his full time job as an accountant may involve pushing papers and sitting indoors, every moment before and after he walks into that office is used to its fullest. It is in those moments that Joe is using every free minute to embrace the lifestyle that he knows and loves, and to spread his love of running to everyone he comes in contact with. Through coaching beginning runners how to run a half or full marathon through Team in Training, and hosting a weekly track workout/hangout for intermediate to advanced runners, Joe has succeeded in turning his passion into a lifestyle and in inspiring others to do so along the way.

Joe grew up in a small East Coast town called Holland, Pennsylvania. Like many other children, his idea of “play” involved running around as little kids often do. In high school, he took up running, following in the footsteps of his older brother who ran long distance/cross-country. He may have gotten the idea from his brother, but Joe was absolutely certain of one thing; he did not want to follow in the shadow of his brother. It was at this time that Joe decided he would be a sprinter, and that the 400 meter distance would be his “thing”. In high school, he dipped his coaching feet into the water with the opportunity to coach the grade school kids. A scholarship to La Salle University in Philadelphia led Joe to run all through college where he participated primarily in the 5k and 10k distances, competing alongside the best runners from all around the world. In between his own college running, Joe helped out coaching runners in inner city high schools. It was here that he would begin to recognize his love for working with people as well as the need to share the love of the lifestyle and community with others.

After moving to the Bay Area, Joe found that everyone around him was running more long distance races such as half and full marathons. Formerly a 5k and 10k runner, it only seemed natural to do what everyone else was doing. In 2000, he trained with Team in Training (TNT) and ran his first marathon, the Honolulu Marathon. It may have been his first long distance attempt, but clearly Joe stood out among the rest of the team as someone who was not brand new to embracing the running lifestyle. Just one year later he was approached by TNT who asked if he would be interested in coaching. He would spend the next 4-5 years assistant coaching, co-coaching for the following 5 years, and after that taking on the team on his own. Since one of TNT’s primary missions is to raise money for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society (LLS), they do not have a lot of extra money to give which is why most TNT positions are volunteer based. The coaching position provides a minimal stipend, but with a full time job, Joe isn’t in it for the pay. He clearly does it for the love of the sport, and has been known to spend more on TNT than he actually makes, generously gifting bottles of wine to participants when they perhaps meet one of their running goals or when they are the only one to show up to track in the middle of a rain storm.

In addition to coaching TNT, Joe also is the founder and head honcho of the Kezar Road Runners, a group of intermediate to advanced runners who meet rain or shine every Wednesday night at the Kezar track. The group was born from a desire to get a local group of runners together as running motivation, but now has transformed to a close knit group of runners of whom some might refer to not just as running partners, but as friends and even as family. The cost to join is $0 and no one takes roll when you show up, but this doesn’t mean the Kezar Road Runners don’t take themselves seriously. Accountability is high when it’s your friends and family that are waiting at the track for you and with you. Plus, most of these runners are self motivated and have particular goals in sight. At 6:45 pm on the dot, the Kezar Road Runner crew surrounds Joe as he quickly spouts out the workout for the night which consists of a varied list of distances and speeds. I wonder how they can all remember the “recipe” he has just concocted for them, but no one complains. Instead, they nod their heads in acceptance, and set out running. And after all is said and done, they congregate across the street at the local pub.

Team in Training and the Kezar Road Runners are two different groups of runners of different experience levels and thus different goals, but according to Joe each is rewarding in its own way. The biggest compliment Joe has ever received from a beginning runner is seeing that same runner years down the line, continuing to run and embrace the running lifestyle. When coaching someone who has potentially never done something before, there’s only so much you can do in one season. The primary goal is to have them succeed in their race distance with the proper training, to provide hints on efficiency in form, and to get them to enjoy it in the process. Once they are set loose, they are on their own, so it’s an added perk to have them continue on their own account. With experienced runners, the goals are different. The Kezar Road Runner group differs from TNT in that they already know the basics, but they come to Joe to learn how to run better, how to maximize their workouts, and seeking specific advice on their next race.

So how does he do it all with a full time job? Joe has consolidated TNT workouts to 2x a week and coordinates both of his track workouts at the same time and same place on Wednesday nights. But 2x a week is not all the time Joe spends with his running folk. Just this weekend he ran the Oakland relay with members from the Kezar Road Runners, and when someone has a particular request such as needing help with hill repeats, Joe makes plans to take them to the Marin Headlands to practice just that. This is the epitome of someone who has made running a way of life. “It’s not easy, but you make time for what you love and what is important to you”, Joe responds when I ask him what makes coaching sustainable. The sacrifices he makes for coaching he considers “good sacrifices”. The gratification of seeing both groups of runners achieve their goals is what makes coaching so special and worthwhile. Experiencing the excitement of seeing someone do something they’ve never done before and getting them to dream bigger and beyond their simplest dreams, whether it be a beginning runner or an experienced runner, is one of the best rewards that he has received from coaching. And of course, it is a huge bonus seeing someone years after he has coached them continuing to embrace the running lifestyle. I asked Joe if he found coaching as rewarding as pursuing his own running goals. While each has its own unique benefits, the similarities are clear. When something you love has given you so much, it only makes sense to pass on that knowledge to others.

Bigfoot 73 – 7.10.21

(Mostly) everyone has heard of the Bigfoot 200, but little know that Destination Trail also puts on the Bigfoot 73, 40, and 20 miler a month earlier. The 73 miler used to be a 100k, but the race was modified in order to make it more accessible for race officials and crew. Plus, the additional miles highlight more of the Mount Margaret backcountry. I honestly didn’t know what the Mount Margaret backcountry was, so in my mind more miles = more challenge and an added stepping stone to the 100 mile distance (which I have not done yet if you exclude New Year’s One Day).

Yuch found this race after learning that the Vermont 100 would be once again cancelled due to COVID-19. Although referred to as a “graduate race”, the profile didn’t look too insane: 14,400 ft of gain over 73 miles. Plus, I happen to be a graduate student so I thought it might suit me well. The course is a figure 8, circumnavigating around Mount St. Helens and nearby Silver Lake. The altitude fluctuates between 1,500 and 5,000 ft. Maybe the most “graduate” aspect of the race is that there are only 4 aid stations (3 total, but 1 that is visited twice), making some stretches between aid stations long, remote, and possibly necessitating the use of a water filter. This didn’t seem out of the ordinary to me as I’m used to doing long runs on my own and filtering water along the way.

Required gear for the Bigfoot 73 includes a rain jacket, long-sleeved insulated layer, long pants, hat & gloves, bivy sack, whistle, headlamp with extra batteries, and 500 extra calories. Ah, Ben Nevis all over again! But, after the tragedy in China a couple months ago, better safe than sorry.

When planning for this race, I considered the following goals; A goal: sub 16 hours, B goal: sub 17, and C goal: sub 18. How did I come up with these arbitrary numbers on a course I’ve never run? Who knows, and very carefully. I studied the women’s times from when the course was a 100k and the fastest time was 16:06. I think it was a pretty random decision when I decided I would aim for beating that time on a longer course. A sub 16 hour finish would mean a 13 min/mile average, which seemed totally doable. I cross referenced my paces at Castle Peak and Never Summer which have greater elevation gain/mile. Perhaps it was a stretch, but it’s always good to have goals. Plus, getting in before 9:30 seemed like it would get me to bed at a decent time.

We stayed at a wonderful Airbnb in Ariel, about 30 minutes from the race start at Marble Mountain Sno Park. The race started at 5:30 am. I secretly (or maybe not-so-secretly) hoped that Yuch and I could run together, since he had run Black Hills 100 (and 5) just two weeks prior and would likely be running on not-totally-recovered legs. I started out ahead of him, but that didn’t mean much since he always starts out slow and eventually passes me.

The course begins with 2,000 ft of pretty mellow elevation gain in the first 5 miles. About an hour into the race, we got our first views.

First views. Little did we know what was yet to come!

We then proceeded to traverse a field of boulders, which did not seem as treacherous as the boulder field in Never Summer and was actually quite fun (although slow). I felt fresh and jumped from boulder to boulder while wondering “Do any of these move?”

Boulder fields. Fun with fresh legs!
Photo by Riley Smith Photography

The first aid station was at Blue Lake (mile 12). I didn’t leave a drop bag here so basically checked in, grabbed more water, and headed back out. I looked at my watch and appeared to be right on pace. On the way out Yuch passed me coming in. I was pretty sure he would catch up with me soon. About 4 hours in, I started ascending up some switchbacks to a ridge.

Ascending. Switchbacks in the distance.

As I turned up the upper switchback I looked below from where I came from to see a tiny runner down below. I couldn’t tell if it was Yuch or not, but waved anyway. He waved back and for some reason I knew it was him. We seemed to be pretty evenly paced since he was not catching up with me.

Where’s Waldo? A tiny Yuch on the trail below.

Beautiful views of Mount St. Helens appeared as I ran along the ridge.

The wildflowers were OFF THE HOOK. The pictures do not do them justice.

I mostly ran by myself. A small group of men ran together up ahead. I saw two men with red shirts running together for quite a long time and thought they must know each other. Until one of them seemed to peel off to take a break, and then somehow I ended up with the other red-shirted half. This was not ideal, as this half was a talker. Not just a talker, but the kind of runner that grabs on to you and won’t let go. I feel bad saying this. The guy was very sweet. Until he used his master barnacle skills to suck all the energy out of me and drain me of life. Maybe I’m embellishing just a bit. This is what he did. At first he was running in front of me at a pace that was too slow for me. I talked to him for a bit and then decided I needed to get in front of him. As soon as I did, he sped up and was running right behind me with a clumsy gait that didn’t seem natural and a jangling backpack that was slightly distracting. He seemed to prefer the company. This pattern seemed to continue where he would slow down and speed up in order to stick with me. Apparently this was his first race. He had done lots of 100 milers before (on his own). He said where he lives, people know him as the guy that runs 100 milers. I had a feeling he was known for a lot more than that.

Mount St. Helens

I lost him at Windy Ridge Aid Station at mile 30. We arrived together but I left before him as he seemed to be having trouble getting food in. Yuch arrived as I was refilling my bottles. “You’re still here?” He asked. It did seem like I had been there for a while, but with only 4 aid stations over 73 miles, I needed to make sure I was always topped off on fluids. The next stretch would be 20 remote miles before the next aid station. Again, I thought he would catch up with me but I continued to run alone as I left the aid station. I was still on my 13 min/mile pace and feeling good.

Back on the trail after Windy Ridge

It started to feel warm and exposed. I was ready for this though since I had started doing some preliminary heat training in preparation for Castle Peak (poor man’s altitude training). It was probably only in the 70s or 80s, but the lack of tree cover made it feel much much warmer. I still felt good and was all smiles as I ran through awesome single track flanked with friendly flowers.

The course was marked excellently. I rarely looked at my Gaia map for reassurance as confidence markers were well and frequently placed. I walked blindly through a jungle of tall foliage. With each few steps a confidence marker would appear in front of me confirming I was on the right track.

On my way up the next ascent I constantly looked behind me to see if Yuch was on my tail. Once again, a tiny runner appeared down below. I waved, but he didn’t wave back this time. Maybe he didn’t see me or maybe it wasn’t Yuch. It started feeling cooler as I ascended and I enjoyed the nice breeze and views of Silver Lake from up above.

Silver Lake w/ Mt. Rainier in the distance
Looks like snow in the lake, but is actually logs

Patches of snow started to become frequent and I started stuffing handfuls of it in the back of my buff around my neck. It felt incredible!

Cooling station

9.5 hours in (around 3 pm) I stopped to filter some water from a stream. And finally, Yuch arrived. I had finished filtering and was ready to go but was pretty excited to see him.

Yuch filtering water around mile 40

I waited while he filled up and we ran together the next 10 or so miles to Norway Pass, the next aid station at mile 50. This was probably my favorite part of the race. Yuch and I were having a blast and we shared our stories and how much we were loving the race and scenery. Every time we crossed a snow patch we grabbed handfuls of it and stuffed it into various regions on our body including our shorts and (my) bra. These intermittent cooling stations made a huge difference. Not only were they fun, but they were highly functional.

Yuch leading the way to Norway

At Norway, Yuch left me. I admit I was taking much longer at the aid stations than he was. He had already-prepared smoothies in soft flasks in his drop bag while I had to prepare my drinks on site. He left and I would never see him again (well, until the end of the race). The stretch out of Norway Pass was not especially fast which was a slight let down after the swift miles leading up to it. But, the terrain continued to change keeping me interested and in constant awe of such a beautiful place. At around mile 55 or so, the course surprised me again as it dropped me off on Forest Road 99. I decided this was a good time for a pacer and turned on my favorite race music, Lindsey Stirling. I was pretty happy that I had legs to run this ascending road section pretty comfortably and passed a runner who had reduced to a walk. Yuch must have passed him too. Would I ever see him again?

Arriving to Windy Ridge (2). Photo by Riley Smith Photography

Shortly after the road section I arrived at Windy for the second time. Just 15 miles to go! I was still on pace and my A goal was still in reach. At each aid station they asked me if I wanted any food. Wow – they had a lot, a stark contrast from the meat-centric aid station fare at Black Hills. They even had every flavor of Spring Energy gel (which I thought was very generous considering each one runs at $3.75 a pop). As much as I wanted to dig into their buffet, I had carefully planned my food for the day and was carrying more than I needed on me. I didn’t want to have to carry it all back on the plane, and I hate wasting food so I never indulged in any of the aid station food for the entirety of the race (except a couple sips of Mountain Dew). My pack felt especially heavy with all my mandatory gear and excess calories that I clearly was not going to use.

The run out of Windy on to the next trailhead was 2 miles and a sign appeared that said just 13 miles to the finish.

So much single track!

I was pretty sure the course profile had shown that it was mostly downhill from here, so it shouldn’t have been a problem to get to the finish before 9:30. What I didn’t realize (and what I could not have known from a course profile) was that these would be verrrry slowww miles. The last 13 miles were slow-going, which was fine.

Sun setting
Beautiful Bear Grass flanking the trails

But then it started getting dark. That was also fine, because I had my trusty light-belt. But then I started venturing into more boulder fields. While boulder hopping is fine and dandy in the light when your legs are fresh, it was a different story after running all day. I found myself struggling with balance and coordination and I was moving at a crawling pace. The ribbons were becoming increasingly difficult to see in the distance and I spent a lot of time trying to figure out where I was and where I was going. I heard something roaring in the distance. Perhaps it was a Bigfoot? When I wasn’t climbing boulders, I would descend into a ravine (also not fast miles) and climb back up. Okay so maybe I would not be cruising in the last 13 miles…

The last couple of miles were indeed runnable. I still had running legs, probably due to the varied terrain and therefore on-and-off running, hiking, hopping, crawling, etc. I hadn’t been paying attention to my watch for a long time. I knew it was after 9:30 and I didn’t want to get down on myself if I wasn’t even going to make my arbitrary A or B goal. But when I saw a sign that said there was just 1 mile to go, I finally looked at my watch and knew my B goal was still in reach. I crossed the finish line at 10:25 with a finish time of 16:55:47. When I crossed the finish line Yuch was waiting there for me. I didn’t say “That was the hardest race I’ve ever done!” or “I’m so glad to be finished!” which are common finishing line comments to have come from my mouth in the past. Instead I said “That was an AMAZING race!” And it was.

On pace for the first 58.6 miles. I would average a 16 min/mile pace for the last 15 mile stretch.

If you have any sense at all, DO THIS RACE. It really is more of an adventure run than a race. With such a small field I didn’t really feel like I was racing. I truly enjoyed the long remote sections with solitary miles enjoying the beauty of the area. I also really enjoyed running with Yuch. I did not enjoy running with red-shirted guy. The terrain was so varied I was never bored. The varied terrain was also helpful on my legs as I was able to run throughout the day when the opportunity arose. The course was so beautiful I never felt like I was suffering or that I wanted to be somewhere else. The snow fields were conveniently placed when I needed them for consistent cooling. Despite being a “graduate course”, I never felt scared or concerned for my safety (just out of it and slow at the end). The belt buckles are beautiful and some even have lichen in them!

Usnea! This belt buckle was made for me.

Have I convinced you yet?

How I recovered from chronic headaches, overtraining syndrome, and anxiety

When I was in my early thirties, I started getting tension headaches for the first time. My head felt like it was throbbing, and nothing that I did seemed to alleviate the pain. Advil worked sometimes, but not all the time. A cold washcloth on my forehead was better than nothing. Ativan helped knock me out, but sometimes I would still wake up with the headache. Around this time, I also started getting hot flashes and fever-like symptoms. The combination of the symptoms led me to believe that something was wrong with me, so I did what I always do when I think something is wrong with me. I went to my doctor.

At the doctor, I got a check up and blood tests that came out normal. How could this be? I thought. Something is wrong with me and it’s not showing up. My doctor mentioned that it could be stress. I dismissed this idea as I did not feel overly stressed. The headaches and hot flashes continued and I resumed playing detective. I Googled my symptoms, which led me to remove certain things from my diet including coffee and gluten. At one point I even went on a completely raw diet, which was quite interesting but in no way helpful. I tried supplements of various kinds including Magnesium and Coenzyme Q10. Nothing helped. At some point the intensity of the symptoms gradually dissipated due to no reason that I was consciously aware of. However, the headaches would stick with me for the years to come.

It’s hard to quantify how often I got headaches. Those who suffer from chronic anything know that it just becomes part of your life and you accept it. I accepted my headaches as something that I gained in my thirties and attributed them to my new adult body and the hormonal changes that came with it. I think they came in cycles. Sometimes I might go a while without getting a headache whereas other times they would come in droves. There didn’t seem to be any rhyme or reason to explain when they arrived and when they didn’t. I tried to notice patterns, but the erratic nature of the timing made it difficult. I began to attribute my headaches to stress, not eating enough, not drinking enough, drinking alcohol, and not sleeping well enough. However, there were plenty of times that I was stressed, hungry, dehydrated, imbibing, and not sleeping well and managed to be perfectly fine. Still, all of these things became red flags anyway. 

I found three natural solutions that would cure my headaches; running, massages, and sex. I know this sounds weird, but hear me out. I realize the idea of going for a run while your head is pounding sounds miserable. But, somehow I came across this and it worked, every single time. This became my new solution, better than Advil or Sumatriptan. It really worked! Until, it didn’t. At some point, I began to get headaches because I went running. What do massages and sex have in common? They both appeared to cure my headaches for whatever reason. Again, over time the benefits did not seem to be long-lasting and I found that they would only provide a temporary fix. Once the activity was over, my headache would return.

July 2019

In the summer of 2019, I moved in with my mom and brother. I had been saving money while in grad school and free rent was a huge way to do it. Immediately after moving in, I started sleeping terribly. I knew it had to do with the fact that I was now on the second floor which was much warmer than the first. Also, my brother would come home late from work and wake me up, for example by playing the piano at midnight. So, I started sleeping with earplugs.

My running seemed to be affected by my lack of sleep. I didn’t feel like I was performing to my potential during training or racing. One completely out-of-the-blue night, I had this terrible pain in my left leg that plagued me during the night. I tossed and turned the entire night, totally aware of this new pain in my body. The next morning, I couldn’t even touch my toes on the left side. My leg had totally tightened up. I began to wonder how this could have happened and my mind immediately went to the fact that I had a soccer game the previous night and must have done something to cause this. While I didn’t remember anything specific or traumatic happening the previous day, I knew this had to be it. I always knew it was a bad idea to play soccer when it could cause an injury that would pull me from running. This tightness in my leg turned into a full blown hip injury that stayed with me for about a year.

September-December 2019

That fall, Yuch and I went to London for three months and in some kind of miracle, I slept well the entire time there. My bedroom was cool and dark. Unfortunately, my hip and running still felt bad. I began to notice that I felt really out of breath when running. An 8:30 pace felt fast, and speed workouts with the Ranelagh Harriers felt increasingly difficult. I caught a cold which took six weeks to get over (that’s exactly half of my time in the UK). I got the opportunity to run in so many new and interesting places during our trip and I felt depleted on nearly every run.

January-May 2020

Returning to the states, my bad sleep trend resumed as I had left it. I continued to feel crappy while running and decided to see a physical therapist for my hip. He told me my core was likely not strong enough and gave me exercises that would strengthen my core and therefore my hip. I got blood tests that confirmed I had extremely low iron and proceeded to go on an iron supplement. I felt like I was making huge progress. The iron had to be the reason why my running had felt so bad the previous summer.

My iron levels returned to normal. Unfortunately, my hip did not seem to be improving with the physical therapy exercises that I was now doing religiously every day. In fact, my hip seemed to be worsening! After being sent home due to COVID-19, I was now doing remote grad school and spending a lot of time sitting at my computer. This had to be the reason why my hip was worsening instead of getting better. I set my laptop up on my dresser and began to spend the majority of my classes standing up. But after a while, this began to exacerbate my hip, too. I decided it was not good to spend a lot of time sitting or standing, so I transitioned to a combination of the two.

June-August 2020

That summer something happened that was extremely eye opening. On the drive back from a week at Buck’s Lake, I noticed my left leg was particularly sore. I decided it must be due to the long drive. By the time I got home the sole of my foot was radiating with pain and it was painful to walk on. Arriving at home, we immediately began a conflict with my brother and the evening ended in a raging headache and going to bed early. In the morning, I awoke to all of the previous symptoms gone, but a new one had had arrived. My butt was extremely painful to the touch and I could not sit down without feeling pain. This was the last piece of evidence I needed. I realized my body was completely out of control and not making any sense, so I decided to go for a run. I ran for 3 miles and felt better than I had in a long time.

I had heard about psychosomatic pain before. On my first date with Yuch in 2015, he told me about his experience with it and all about Dr. John Sarno, the man who coined the term tension myositis syndrome (TMS) to describe physical pain caused by psychological affliction. Sarno’s theory is that the brain produces physical pain as a distraction from repressed psychological emotions, and this illness is the common cause of chronic back pain, migraines, etc. Common symptoms include no clear reason for the physical pain (as shown by MRIs, blood tests, etc.) and pain that “moves around”. It made sense to me, despite the fact that there wasn’t a clear mechanism to explain how this actually happened.

I realized that my hip “injury” was not a physical injury (involving muscle or structural damage) after all (as evidenced by my ability to run without pain once accepting this psychosomatic diagnosis). Moving in to my childhood home and starting grad school had been a stressful experience for me, and this must have caused the pain that I was experiencing. As I began to become more mobile and pain free I realized that I did in fact have some tightness in that left hip. It became clear to me that I must have had tightness there all along, but my brain had magnified it to be something much much bigger.

September-December 2020

My hip pain of nearly a year went away completely.  My iron levels were back to normal. But, the stress in my life continued. My mom was diagnosed with Mild Cognitive Decline, my brother with ASD was continuing to wreak havoc in the household, stomping around at the slightest noise despite me and my mom’s constant effort to tip toe around the house. I made it my priority to manage all of my mom’s appointments in addition to our meetings with a family psychologist.

I was not able to de-stress in my usual way – with exercise. Running continued to feel terrible, even though my hip was better and my iron levels normal. I felt completely depleted, and I wondered if there was something more serious wrong with me. My legs throbbed, I would get headaches after every run, I couldn’t focus on my schoolwork, and I couldn’t sleep. A short easy run left me completely wasted, often forcing me to lie down during the day. However, napping was impossible and I would lie awake twitching, often feeling even worse than I did before lying down. I saw a sports medicine doctor who diagnosed me with Overtraining Syndrome (OTS), despite the fact that I had not overtrained. I stopped running, which is the only known “cure” for OTS.

My second semester at SFSU had begun, and I felt like I was drowning. The workload was not drowning material, but my fragile emotional state was incapable of handling it. A simple assignment that I could not wrap my head around (coincidentally, a literature review on OTS) caused me to doubt myself, panic, and consider dropping out of school. I constantly told myself that I had made a big mistake, that I was stupid, and that I was not cut out for this. I cried for days with so much emotion that I had a constant headache that made me cry even more. I am a hugely productive person, and being incapable of “producing” was pretty much my worst nightmare. Not only could I not work, I couldn’t even relax. I was physically and psychologically in hell.

I decided I need help to get through the rest of the school year. I called Kaiser and quickly got in touch with my psychiatrist and a therapist. I was prescribed Zoloft, a medication for anxiety and depression that I had taken many years ago. I stopped in 2008, the year that I started running. Even before starting the Zoloft, I began to feel better. I knew that help was on the way and that I wouldn’t indefinitely cry myself into a useless puddle, incapable of finishing grad school. Zoloft takes about 4 weeks to start working, but I was already starting to feel better. This is called the placebo effect.   

I first noticed the actual effects of Zoloft on a bike ride. I had taken up cycling during my time off running, and I enjoyed listening to music while feeling the breeze against my skin. But, going downhill scared me and I typically braked the entire time. One day, I found myself biking down a long descent without braking. It wasn’t until after the bike ride that I realized what had happened. My anxiety had gone away.

When you’ve been living with anxiety for a long time, you don’t think of it as anxiety. Anxiety became a part of who I was, and it was something that I thought was unchangeable. I think I actually may have even been stubbornly attached to my anxiety. It’s not that I enjoyed it. I desperately wished I was a different. But I accepted that this was simply part of my make up. But wow, living without anxiety was amazing. It’s not like I suddenly became a dare devil. I’m a thoughtful and prudent person. I just didn’t have the same fear attached to everything that I did. Things became easier. As things became easier, I was able to welcome meditation, talk therapy, and a regular breathing practice into my life. Mentally, I felt great. Physically, I was still suffering. If mind and body are so intimately entwined, why were they not in sync?

January-February 2021

Frustrated at my lack of physical progress, I contacted my sports medicine doctor. I had taken two months off and was feeling physically worse, not better. Breathing was labored while running, and my heart rate seemed consistently high. I couldn’t even dance without breaking into a hot flash. His immediate response was to once again send me to the lab for blood tests and to get an EKG. I guess I should have known better than to complain of labored breathing during COVID. I knew it was a waste of time and that nothing was going to show up. I knew my pain and fatigue was psychological, but I just didn’t know how to fix it. I had fixed my hip pain simply by accepting it was psychosomatic and telling myself nothing was wrong with me, but that method was not working this time. I was meditating and breathing every day, yet it didn’t seem to be making a dent in my physical situation. While writing my literature review on OTS, I had learned that the majority of sufferers didn’t even overtrain, but a commonality between them was that they had experienced some kind of major life event during the onset. Part of me still was not able to fully grasp the concept that my brain could cause such real sensations of pain. I decided I needed the lab & EKG as evidence for what was about to come next. As predicted, the results came back perfectly clear. So, I decided I needed to take the plunge and seek expert advice. I contacted the Pain Psychology Center in Southern California.

March 2021

Upon contacting the Pain Psychology Center, I was set up for a 15-minute free consultation. I desperately wanted to tell them that I had OTS, and I imagined them responding “Oh yes, overtraining syndrome…we have seen many patients like you and this is indeed a common psychosomatic illness”. However, the person that I spoke to had never even heard of it before. She asked me to explain the symptoms. I told her. Fatigue, headaches, hot flashes, insomnia, labored breathing, elevated heart rate, and decreased performance. She told me that while she had never heard of OTS, it didn’t matter. It was just another syndrome, and all syndromes are just a group of symptoms. She confidently told me that she thought this was something they could help me with, and set me up for another free consultation with the therapist that I would be seeing.

I repeated my symptoms to the therapist. Like the receptionist, she had not heard of OTS. Like the receptionist, she was confident that she could help me. I told her I was just so frustrated because I was meditating and breathing every day, felt psychologically better than I had in a while, yet my body did not seem to agree. She said something like “During our time together, we are going to work on integrating these techniques (meditating and breathing) throughout your day”.

I felt hopeful. So hopeful that I started to gradually feel better already. With my excitement, I began exploring the Pain Psychology Center’s website. Alan Gordon is the executive director of the center, and created it after recovering from his own experience with chronic pain. I found out that he had a podcast, Tell Me About Your Pain, and began binge-listening to it the entire week before my first appointment. I absorbed every episode like a sponge. Then a light bulb went off. Alan Gordon’s description of psychosomatic pain was slightly different than John Sarno’s. While Sarno theorized that the brain could produce physical pain in response to repressed psychological emotions, Gordon discussed the brain’s ability to condition itself to physical pain. While he acknowledged that chronic pain could be psychological in nature especially at the onset, the mechanism involved in the persistence of pain added an additional layer that Sarno seemed to have missed. That layer was anxiety and conditioning.

The world of psychology learned about classical conditioning from Pavlov’s dog. From his research, Pavlov found that the dogs’ salivation was a learned response, when the dogs transitioned from salivating at the arrival of food to salivating at the sound of a metronome. My experience was no different. I had conditioned myself to feel all these physical sensations after exercise. Running was no longer just running, but a whole package of anxiety and fear that I would feel crappy. I reinforced these feelings by sending constant messages to my brain that running = danger and that days off = safety. I reinforced this anxiety by constantly Googling my symptoms, catastrophizing at the slight onset of a headache or any other physical symptom, reaching out to doctors, constantly associating physical pain with tissue damage and physical activity, and reading study after study on OTS. For years I had been throwing gasoline onto a raging fire without even realizing it. If I had been conditioning myself to associate running with fatigue and pain, I could condition myself out of it.

Deconditioning myself from my so-called “Overtraining Syndrome” was similar to how I recovered from my so-called “hip injury”. I constantly told myself that nothing was wrong with me, and instead of catastrophizing at each “bad” sensation I felt, I sent my brain messages of safety instead. My condition improved dramatically. I thought about what my therapist had said in the consultation about integrating meditation and breathing into my day. What did she mean by this? Another light bulb went off. What is the point of breathing for 10 minutes every morning, when I could take a few deep breaths throughout my day when I notice myself becoming stressed or anxious? I began to integrate breathing into my day at opportune times. It worked.

By the time it came to have my first appointment with my therapist, I had listened to most of the Tell Me About Your Pain episodes, had already begun deconditioning, and felt 99% cured. However, I decided to stick with the first couple of appointments anyway because knowing my luck, this was not going to be as easy as I thought. I was right. The pain came back, and my therapist provided me with several tools to approach it. One was somatic tracking which is similar to meditation. You sit with the pain (or “sensation”) and explore it from a non-judgmental perspective. (This is not recommended when the pain is full on raging!) I tried this at the onset of headache. I thought about what it felt like and where it was located. Did it radiate, or was it centralized? If I were to compare the pain to a color was it yellow, orange, or red? The pain began to shift. Soon, it had completely dissipated. I had used my brain to stop a headache in its tracks! I felt like it was a magic. But I am not a magician, and my therapist assured me that it was not magic. It was science.

Cycle of Stress and Pain from http://www.curable.com

From the moment I decided all my symptoms were psychosomatic in nature, I was 100% pain free for 2 weeks. Then the symptoms came back, and I continued to fight with all the tools in my toolbox. Sometimes they worked and I could stop the pain in its tracks. Other times I was not so successful, but I noticed the symptoms would be much less severe and didn’t last half as long as they used to. I stopped seeing my therapist and downloaded the Curable app, as $60/year is much more affordable than $180/50 minutes for a grad student. I continued absorbing information on psychosomatic pain and listened to a new podcast sponsored by Curable called Like Body Like Mind. Over time, the symptoms completely went away.  


I no longer experience pain and fatigue after running and I don’t get headaches either. I used to associate alcohol with headaches. I can now drink alcohol whenever I want with zero worry attached. I used to associate running with fatigue and pain. I now experience the same fatigue and pain as everyone else does after a hard effort. I am running better than I ever have and it’s not because I’m physically stronger than I’ve ever been. It is because I am mentally stronger than I’ve ever been. I breathe deeply throughout the day when I notice myself becoming anxious or my breath rate becoming faster. It is rare these days, but in the event that I start getting a sensation in my head similar to what I might have called a headache in the past, I say “Thank you body for that alert. I hear you and I am going to take a break”. I do not catastrophize about the loss of productivity that will follow from the raging headache that I am about to experience.

My experience with chronic pain has helped me tremendously in other areas of life, specifically my relationships. I realize that I am anxious, that I catastrophize, and that I’ve constantly feared the worst. By doing the opposite, my relationships with people, myself, and the world around me has profoundly improved. I am, for the first time, truly loving life. If you have not experienced chronic pain or a chronic injury, it may be difficult to understand how miserable and all-encompassing it can be. It can be difficult to understand how amazing it is to not have it, to just feel “normal”. Life is hard as it is, but when you feel physically bad, it’s even harder.  That being said, I am eternally grateful for my experience with chronic pain, because I now realize that I have a totally sophisticated and amazing internal alarm system. It tells me when I’m doing too much, when I’m struggling, and when I need to back off. The brain is an amazing thing. By learning to work with it instead of against it, I was able to shift from being a victim to being in total control. Too often we associate physical pain with physical activity that we did, whether it be lifting a heavy box or picking up a pencil. I’ve learned that our brains are capable of communicating so much more, and that it is time to think of the mind and body not as two things, but as one extraordinary and intimately connected machine.  

Chester Marathon – 10.06.19

When choosing a marathon to run, considerations often include a scenic course, a fast course, a destination course, or perhaps simply a course in a convenient location. The Chester Marathon mostly fits the last two elements, although you probably won’t see the race listed in any Top 10 Destination Race lists. Still, I would argue that maybe it should be. Why? Because Chester is a picturesque city with a lot of history. It’s a short(ish) train ride from London. Unlike the London Marathon or other nearby bucket list races, it’s easy to get in to and only costs about 50 pounds. Lastly, the race claims it is the best marathon in the world for watching “Wales” (perhaps, a better spoken joke than written). But, the main reason I headed over to the lesser-known city of Chester was to visit my friend Three Bucks who I had met on the PCT in 2016. And what better way to get to know a city than by running through it!

Perhaps running a marathon just two weeks after the Ben Nevis 52k was not the greatest idea. Or, maybe it wouldn’t have been the worst idea, had I recovered and tapered properly. Of course all these shouldas and couldas are so apparent in retrospect. Yes, two weeks is a bit tight, but this race was more about fun and sightseeing than PRs. After Ben Nevis I took maybe 5 days off, while still managing to get in over 50 miles towards the end of the week. The cautious angel on my right shoulder told me to take it “easy” while the daredevil on my left shoulder told me to test out some speed on an 18 mile training run the week after Ben Nevis, several tempo runs along the Thames, and a speed workout with the Ranelagh Harriers the week before the race. Maybe not all bad ideas on their own, but when combined perhaps not the best choices I’ve made. And to top it all off, I still really didn’t have any great information on what kind of pace I could sustain for a road marathon other than what was blatantly obvious; there was no way I could sustain a PR pace, or even anything close to it.

We arrived to Chester the Friday before the marathon and settled into our lovely Airbnb overlooking the River Dee. Despite the beautiful and comfortable room, I would spend the next two nights tossing, turning, and sweating in my bed. Later I would attribute this to PMS (I got my period the morning after the race). The day before the race we spent exploring the wonderful city of Chester. I usually don’t like to tax my legs too much the day before a race, but with only a limited amount of time, this was the day to do it. We walked around the perimeter of the city along the city walls, ate savory waffles and crepes at Crepe Affair, visited the Chester Cathedral, explored Storyhouse (a library, theater, and cinema in one), and topped off the day with sourdough pizza at Urbano 32. Needless to say, I was not going to be super rested going into the race.

The start line

I toyed with the idea of just running for “fun”, but then settled on the same plan I had for CIM last year: start at a 7 minute pace and try and sustain it.  If you’ve run a marathon or any road race for that matter, you may be able to relate to this feeling at the start of a race. Due to race day adrenaline, race pace (and sub-race pace) feels way too comfortable early on, and consequently you go out too fast. This is a feeling I’ve experienced many a marathon, but not this marathon. After two miles of running at 7 minute pace the thought that so clearly dawned on me was, “There is no way that I can sustain this for 24 more miles!” My legs felt like they were filled with lead. I slowed down to around 7:10-7:15, but even this felt extremely difficult. Perhaps a hard taper after Ben Nevis would have been the wise choice, I thought.

Just over a mile in to the race

The weather was great. The temperature was cool and the sun was out. It rained a little, but more of a heavy sprinkle that brought out a rainbow later on. I consumed a gel every 30 minutes, grabbing them from my new make-shift “pocket” (my sports bra). Two of the gels were ones that I had bought here, High-5’s. They were fruity, syrupy and felt like superglue on my hands. The aid-stations supplied High-5 gels, water bottles, and some orange electrolyte drink also in bottles. The bottles were easier to drink than cups, but pretty wasteful as I’d have a couple of sips before tossing them in the “rubbish bins”. At some point, I passed by a band playing Oasis’ “Wonderwall” along the side of the course, and I couldn’t help but smile. I felt so lucky to be in England running this race, even if I was not performing my best.

For most of the race I continued this 7:10-7:15ish pace despite the fact that I “secretly” knew that I could not sustain it. I guess I was just waiting for that moment when I couldn’t. That moment was about mile 20 although it didn’t come in the way that I expected it to. The leg/hip pain that I had been having since July suddenly became very painful. My pace slowed down considerably, and I wondered if I had pushed this injury too far.

“Hitting the Wall” – don’t let this happen to you!

After every mile, I still couldn’t believe that I was still running. The last couple of miles wound around Grosvenor’s Park, and then spit out along the River Dee. At that point, it was a straight shot to the finish and as usual, my Central Governor told me to “go for it”.


I crossed the finish line with a time of 3:12, 6 minutes slower than my PR at CIM last year. Results can be found here. If nothing else, I got a darn good speed workout from the day, and some serious mental toughness training. It’s funny after all of the distances and races that I’ve done, how the road marathon is still one of the most physically and mentally challenging distances. Of course, the level of challenge can be proportional to the level of training and preparedness. Crossing the finish line, I felt like I had just run a marathon without any training. Of course, that’s not true. It is all my consistent training that allowed me to ride that pain cave wave and get myself to the finish. Still, running a marathon without specific marathon training will result in discomfort (in case you needed the reminder). I actually was pretty surprised to get the time that I did, considering how terrible I felt on the course. In retrospect, I would have done a hard recovery/taper between Ben Nevis and the marathon (probably still would not have PRed, but maybe would have been a little more comfortable). I still would have explored Chester by foot the day before the race (no regrets, there). I regret the time of the month race day landed on (PMS perhaps the worst possible time to do a hard effort), but cannot control that. Sadly, I’ve broken my marathon PR streak (Boston being an anomaly), so once I get this hip sorted, I am motivated to get back out there and go for sub 3. Who’s with me?


Ben Nevis 52k – 9.20.19

The required gear list for the Ben Nevis 52k is the following: waterproof rain jacket, waterproof rain trousers, spare long sleeve midlayer, headlamp, warm hat, warm and waterproof gloves, mountain running shoes (as opposed to trail or road running shoes), sufficient food and fuel, and lastly an emergency bivvy sack. All of this, for a 52k.

So, when Yuch asked me if I would be interested in running this race in Scotland in September, I said, “Sure, why not?” Okay, maybe that’s not exactly how it went. Who can remember these things? It probably went more like – Me: “Is it scary?” Yuch: “No, it’s not scary. In fact, this is probably the easiest out of all the races in the series. You don’t even have to get vetted to get in.” Me: “Okay”.

But, let’s back up a bit. We didn’t travel all the way over here for one race. Earlier this year, Yuch got offered the opportunity to teach abroad at the London School of Economics for the Fall quarter. Of course, it was a no brainer. His schedule would consist of teaching one day a week, and UC Davis would give him a per diem which would cover more than enough for the flat, transportation, and living expenses. In other words, it would be an incredible opportunity to travel in between work days. He asked me to come along. Quit my job and do nothing for three months before starting grad school? That, too, was a no brainer. And so it only made sense to sign up for a few races while in the area. Running the Ben Nevis 52k would be a good excuse to venture over into Scotland, and a good way to tour and experience the Scottish Highlands.

After spending a day in a half in Edinburgh, we rented a car and headed over to Glencoe, a small village just 15 minutes away from the race start in Kinlochleven. The village seemed to be permanently shrouded in fog. I imagined what the mountains would look like on race day. Would they (and me), too, be covered in a layer of mist? Would there even be any views from above? The temperature was warm and moist, but I imagined it to be cold and windy up on the race course. I longed for race day to bring warm, kind weather, but Yuch said “But then you wouldn’t get the full Ben Nevis experience”. I said I was willing to take that chance.

Foggy Glencoe

I had no idea what to expect. This was the third running of this race. The first year it was a 100k with the same elevation gain. The second (last) year was a 47k on the “bad weather route” with far less elevation gain, 5400 ft. This would be the first year (if the weather permitted) that the race was held on the normal course – 52k with 4000 meters or 12,500 feet of elevation gain. The year it was a 100k, Mira Rai won the women’s race in 14:24. The year it was the bad weather course, Ragna Dabats won in 4:36. Yuch and I estimated 6-8 hours to finish, and I subsequently packed 1400 calories worth of fuel. There would be one aid station around 19 miles in. One bladder of water should be enough to get me to the aid station, and then another to the finish. For most 50ks, I don’t even finish one full bladder of water.

The weather on race day was, in fact, kind. The previously foggy Glencoe had transformed overnight, and the sky was clear. The forecast was sunny and warm with a high of 70. The good weather route was on!

Race start in Kinlochleven

I started the race out slow, back of the front pack. At the slightest ascent, the runners around me halted to a hike. Trekking poles clicked and clacked around me. I wasn’t really surprised. I had heard of and sort of witnessed this before. I knew these people around me knew better than I. I also hiked (sans trekking poles), but with spurts of running when I couldn’t handle the density of the pack and just how runnable some of these ascents really were. Before I knew it, I was on a nice runnable single track with a bit of dodging here and there.

Departing Kinlochleven

The first descent was steep, muddy, and slow. Around me runners slipped and slided, because we all know sometimes the fastest way to get down whether it’s in the snow or in the mud, is with a glissade. However, I am a lady, and opted for the “in-control” look and behind which resulted in a slower descent and muddy hands. “This is good Scottish running!” I heard someone behind me say. I looked at my watch and realized I should fuel sometime soon, but the idea of eating with hands covered in mud did not appeal to me. At the first stream, I washed my hands. Soon, I would be able to eat, but first I needed to get through this trackless unstable grassy terrain, really only navigable by the orange course markings and the runners in front of me.

Following the flags

The slip and slide continued. The ground was precarious, fluctuating between a small percentage of solidish ground, and a whole lot of bog. The bog was fun and laughable at first, but quickly grew old with every twist and turn of my ankles. My feet seemed to be sliding all around in my sopping wet Lone Peaks and I wondered if I wore the wrong shoes. With the unstable terrain, the most minimal shoe seemed to be the most desirable. Every step was questionable and sometimes the mud was so deep my foot would sink in up to my knees. For a little while, I followed another guy and was able to learn from his mistakes. At one point, his leg landed thigh high in the mud. “Don’t go here!” he would warn me, but soon the gap between us grew and I was on my own.

The ascent to Carn Mor Dearg

The journey to Ben Nevis was unforgettable. The ascent itself was physically difficult, but my legs were strong. With my hands on my knees, I passed a number of runners. It had been a month since Castle Peak, and the last 3 weeks of mileage looked like this: 22, 48, and 50 – fairly light and easy.  I knew what was waiting for me at the top. The CMD Arete connects the Carn Mor Dearg summit to Ben Nevis. The pictures of this ridgeline from the race site gave me goosebumps. The goal was just to get it done. However, after the first section, I realized the ridgeline was much lengthier than I had thought.

The CMD Arete in route to Ben Nevis

I was slow. Everyone who I had passed on the ascent was now passing me as I slowly and cautiously scrambled my way along often using my hands for balance. Although the ridgeline looks pretty skimpy from afar, I didn’t necessarily feel in immediate danger. Still, I was extremely stressed out and my back tightened up as a result. Adrenaline propelled me forward. The views were incredible and I tried my best to take pictures when possible. The climb seemed to take forever and each time I got to what I thought was the top, I would see a line of runners ahead of me continuing up. I looked at my watch. This was not going to be a 6-8 hour day.

View from the ridgeline

Arriving at the Ben Nevis summit

At the top of Ben Nevis I let out a yelp and exhaled in relief. In my mind, the hardest part of the day was over. The descent from Ben Nevis takes the tourist path, and finally I got to use my running legs to dodge rocks and tourists down to the visitor’s center where I would find the one and only aid station. On the way down, someone told me I was the third female and that the second female was just 3 minutes ahead of me. I was over 5 hours in and had run out of water at this point. While a kind volunteer filled up my bladder with water, I scanned the food options: cheese and meat sandwiches, chocolate cookies, bananas, oranges, potatoes, some kind of cut up peanut butter bar, and cups of a 50/50 blend of Red Bull and water. I thirstily took in a number of orange wedges, but knew this would not sustain me. Although it sort of grossed me out, I decided to go for the diluted Red Bull. It went down easy and tasted pretty good. I had another, and left the aid station with my new Red Bull “wings”.

The fire road out of the aid station was, well, a nice friendly runnable fire road! I asked someone what mile we were at and found out the aid station had been at mile 19. I had been moving roughly 3.5 miles an hour. I felt like I had been out there all day, but it was only 12:30. The fire road transitioned to a nice solid single track in the forest, which transitioned into a more precarious technical single track in the forest, which then opened up to a water crossing with a waterfall, and more ascending.

The calm before the storm

Somewhere in the forest, I passed who I believed was the second female. Again, I powered up the initial climb, passing fatigued runners (probably the same folks who had passed me earlier on the ridge). But, alas, as we approached the Ring of Steall which presented more scrambling, they all passed me again. “You make it look so easy!” I said to someone who nimbly scurried past me. “That’s exactly what I thought about you on the ascent”, he responded. “We all have our things!” True, I thought. It is interesting to me how we all have different strengths and weaknesses. Scrambling, rock climbing, heights, and descents are not strengths of mine. In fact, they are downright weaknesses.

The Ring of Steall

Although I had thought Ben Nevis would be the hardest part of the race, I actually thought the Ring of Steall was the scariest. Perhaps it had to do with my legs being properly trashed at that point, or the fact that I had run out of water. I wasn’t sure if I had been drinking a lot, or if the volunteer just hadn’t filled my pack up completely full. Whatever the case, I was out, and while I had one bar and a gel left, the thought of consuming them without water did not entice me. Eventually, I took the gel out of desperation. The thought of bonking up there worried me. The thought of becoming clumsy in a place where you didn’t want to become clumsy worried me. Others around me seemed to be out of water, too, and we all shared the same disbelief as we reached false summits and would see more runners up ahead continuing up.

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I asked a volunteer at a checkpoint (not an aid station) how much further it was. They told me about 6k, but about 6k later it dawned on me that they were telling me how much further to the summit, not the finish. At the final summit, I again asked another checkpoint volunteer “how much further?” I felt slightly embarrassed that I was continuing to ask this lame question. I mean, here I am running in this beautiful place in a race that I myself signed up for, and I’m asking “Are we there yet?” I felt depleted and desperate. The answer was 6k, but that it was all downhill from here. The fact that it was downhill did not make it easy. The trails were still steep, technical, and then – the return of the bog. My legs were trashed. I was thirsty, but not dehydrated. I considered drinking from streams on the way down, but decided to avert Giardia and wait until the finish. The first view of Loch Leven was comforting. I was almost there!

Kinlochleven bound

At 4:54 pm, a volunteer told me I had 2k to go – just a little over a mile. I would not finish in under 10 hours, but at that point, I didn’t care when I finished, just that I finished. I felt like I had been fighting for my life the whole day, and I was ready for it to be over. It was the longest 2k of my life. Perhaps he meant 2 miles? I crossed the finish line in 10:13:12.


I immediately sat down.  A volunteer handed me a cup of water and a bottle of something that looked sweet, but turned out to be this really not very satisfying birch water. A man approached me and introduced himself as the race director and wanted to know “How did you find the race?” “Difficult”, I responded and he seemed to like that response. I guess this is what race directors like to hear. He congratulated me on being the second place woman and handed me a print of the course profile and a card that said I had won 250 pounds, my first income since leaving my job!

Course profile print

My income for the next couple of months

Only a third of the field finished under the 12 hour cut off – 110 men and 9 women. The first place woman finished in an extraordinarily fast time of 8:05, only 14 minutes behind the first place man. Yuch finished 13th in 9:22, also a very impressive time. I felt slightly ashamed that I finished over 2 hours behind the first place woman. A podcast I had listened to recently remarked that having such big gaps between runners in a race implies a lack of competition that is not “good for the sport”. This comment is interesting to me. Part of me agrees that it would be nice to have more female competition. At the same time, I don’t think I should feel bad that I came in so far behind Superwoman, or any woman! In fact, I feel proud for even putting myself out there on a course in which I knew I would be anxious and completely out of my comfort zone. Clearly, not very many women are willing to do this, which is totally understandable to me.

This race definitely established the limit of what I am comfortable and willing to do in a way that no races thus far have. In fact, when Yuch asked me after how it went, I responded with tears in my eyes, “It was too much”. Physically, I could do it. Emotionally, it was just way too much. While he was happily and joyfully scrambling on the course, I was just trying not to die. However, I will say, to anyone who is interested in running this race. If I can do it, you can do it. For now, I choose to comfortably relax in our flat in Richmond with my Kindle and knitting needles. I look forward to our next race, the Chester Marathon, in two weeks which will take place on a nice, flat, safe, and scramble-free race course.

Full results here: http://www.skylinescotland.com/ben-nevis-ultra/results/2019-results/

Castle Peak 100k – 8.24.19

I was in the bathroom when the countdown began. For some reason I don’t have the urge to go until 10 minutes before the race starts, which is not exactly great timing. “10! 9! 8…”The good news is I’m fast (in the bathroom). Leaving the bathroom, I watched as the pack of runners ran off into the distance, signaling the beginning of the 2019 Castle Peak 100k.


When a friend suggested that I try the Castle Peak 100k last year, I went to the website to see the following warning: “The 1.25 mile Palisades section includes very technical, risky & exposed scrambling. This may not be appropriate for those with a fear of heights.” Based on my experience on the Pacific Crest Trail in 2016, my immediate response was that I wouldn’t be able to do the race. I never thought I had a fear of heights until I found myself utterly paralyzed on Forester Pass in the High Sierra and crawling along the Knife’s Edge in Goat Rock’s Wilderness in Washington. Yep. This race was not appropriate for people like me. My friend, Dan, refused to believe my pleas and proceeded to email multiple friends who had done the race asking if they thought someone who had thru-hiked the PCT and won multiple Bay Area races would have a problem in the Palisades, to which they all responded absolutely not. I’m not sure these responses boosted my confidence, but I decided to sign up anyway. I attended the training runs and found that okay, fine – the Palisades weren’t so bad after all – as long as you don’t obsess over looking down and thinking about dying. Even the race wasn’t so bad, as I was too tired to focus my energy on being scared, and adrenaline and my pacer propelled me forward. After winning the race in 2018, I was invited back to run in 2019. Despite my initial hesitation and doubts that I could complete this race, I couldn’t resist doing it a second time. I loved the vibe of the race, the welcoming race directors, and I can honestly say it’s one of the most beautiful courses I’ve ever run. My hope was to PR, if even by minutes. My 2018 race had been mostly seamless, but I knew I had slowed down in the Palisades due to overall fatigue and lack of pressure from females behind. My goal was to PR and finish strong.

2019 Elevation Profile

I made my way through the bottleneck of runners heading onto the singletrack. Ascending The Animal, I recalled how I had run the entire first 24 miles last year and perhaps that had contributed to my fatigue later in the race. I heard Ian Sharman’s voice on “Science of Ultra” in my head. “If you ask yourself – Will I be able to run this hill at the end of the race, and the answer is no – You should not be running that hill”. I decided to interject some power hiking, even though the first 24 miles is extremely runnable. I shared some miles with Dave and Dan, until Dan passed me heading up to Andromeda, looking effortlessly energetic. I arrived at Johnson Canyon 20 minutes later than last year. Normally, this wouldn’t bother me, and maybe it was a good thing to take it easy for the first third of the race. In my case, I felt terrible. Despite taking it “easy” in the first 24 miles, my legs already felt like they were trashed.

I left Johnson Canyon with this notion that I was behind and needed to make up time. But, there was only so much that my legs could do, so I did my best. I chatted with people along the way. I met a Frenchman who allowed me to recite the only thing I knew in French: the French alphabet, and he approved despite my terrible accent. I ran on and off with a guy from the East Coast who had thru-hiked the AT and chosen to run Castle Peak with his thru-hiking pals over celebrating his girlfriend’s birthday. Yep, this is my tribe. I asked people “How’s it going?” and when the response veered towards anything but positive, I reminded them that this day was not set in stone. Anything can happen in an ultra, and things are constantly changing. An upset stomach will not last forever. Tired legs can be revived. If anything, I was reassuring myself.

As predicted, there was a lot of hiking. But I didn’t mind. The hiking allowed me to take a breath, enjoy the view and wildflowers, and eat a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. This would be my last piece of solid food for the day, I concluded as I tossed the crust aside and struggled to gather enough saliva to swallow. The day was beginning to get warm, and it was a relief to get up to Basin Peak, the cool breezes that accompanied it, and the view of beautiful Castle Peak in the distance.

Ridgeline pic – from the 2018 race

Castle Peak Bound

A photographer along the ridge commented that “You run all the fun races!” I started to question my decision to run these “fun” races that he spoke of.  Upon arrival to the top of Castle Peak, I let out a long celebratory yelp and then took on the task of getting down. I thought about Garret and wondered if he would be bombing down, a far contrast from my tiptoeing. Despite my prudence, I did pass some runners on my way down – all men. There were no women in sight. The last woman I had passed was in Euer Valley, and the lead woman was running strong, miles ahead.

Upon arrival at the Castle Valley aid station, I was surprised to see Dan standing there. “How are you doing?” He asked me. I have no idea how I responded or if I responded, but deep inside I felt anything but strong. He mentioned that he was having stomach problems and took off.  I filled up my water, grabbed a strawberry popsicle, and took off myself, but he had long gone. Heading to Hole in the Ground, I began to think about all the advice I had given to my friends who were running Castle Peak for the first time. “Save your legs for Hole in the Ground”, I had advised. Now I wasn’t even sure if I had legs for Hole in the Ground! My legs kept moving and I powered on, completely focused on the ground ahead of me. While this section of the course is very runnable, it’s deceivingly technical. I ran back and forth with Dan, but his fast hiking was far superior to my fast hiking.  I longed for the Hole in the Ground aid station with rice balls Yuch had raved about last year, but the aid station had moved. It was now .2 miles up a hill that was off the main course, and there were no rice balls. After inquiring about this course update, I was told the new timing chips required cell phone reception. Hence, the .2 mile slog up the hill.

The road section from Hole in the Ground to Van Norden is painful, as are most road sections in the middle of a trail race. Not sure why this is other than the expectation that you should be going fast on a road and are not. It’s become a ritual to stop at the gas station bathroom on Donner Pass Rd. approaching the Van Norden aid station. Perhaps this is not the most competitive move for someone in a race, but then again maybe I’m not the most competitive person. I dashed into the bathroom, sat down on the toilet and well, I just sat. It was really nice. Then I washed my hands at the sink with soap. Also, very nice. Then I splashed water on my face multiple times. So nice. But life must go on, and my pacer Moriah would be waiting for me and wondering where I was. So, I left my secret pit stop and proceed to head up to Van Norden. During my brief time in the bathroom, someone with a green shirt had passed me. It was Dan! Maybe I had been in the bathroom longer than I thought…

It was 3:40 when I arrived at Van Norden, 20 minutes later than last year. I was surprised to find that I had run the last split around the same pace as last year despite my slower first split. A PR was not in the cards for me, but at least I wasn’t totally bombing this race. Well, not yet, anyway.

Leaving Van Norden

Running with Moriah gave me a new energy, but soon my stomach began to hurt. It felt huge and bloated, like a giant balloon full of air. I knew I had to continue taking in fuel, but with each drink of my Gu Roctane Summit Tea, I felt a painful jab to my balloon stomach. To make matters worse, my stomach hurt when I ran, but was fine when I hiked. We encountered perfectly runnable sections that I had to walk, much to my chagrin.


Walking towards the Palisades

Even though I continued to take in fuel, I felt completely void of energy and utterly wasted. I told Moriah I was proud of my race and that I would continue to try to do my best. I knew the gap between me and the first place woman had widened considerably, but my focus was on staying positive and running the best race I could on that day. I knew if I gave in completely, I would regret it later, so I kept pushing.

Staying Strong

Gratitude for the Ropes

Random volunteers seemed to be scattered along the Palisades, and in an emotional moment I hugged a female volunteer on the way up to Mt. Lincoln. The Palisades seemed to go on forever, and after endless rope climbs and steep scrambles, I arrived at Mt. Lincoln. We were greeted by Suzanna Bon who Moriah recognized from PCTR’s Armstrong Redwoods 50k, and we proceeded to take a picture of the three us, once again.

Suzanna Bon, me, and Moriah at the top of Mt. Lincoln


I threw down a Gu Cold Brew Coffee gel and crossed my fingers that my balloon stomach would not burst, and we took off.

I’m not sure if it was the Cold Brew Coffee or the fact that the end was near, but I was moving. I ran hills that I thought I couldn’t run. I guess my Central Governor decided it was safe to push since we were so close to the finish. Thank you, Central Governor, but also damn you, Central Governor! With the oncoming sunset, the air was now a cool temperature and the breeze was cooling on my previously overheated body.  After Mt. Judah, it would all be cruising singletrack down to the fire road to Sugarbowl. But, wait – the course ribbons were not going down the singletrack. They were continuing up and up! “Oh man”, I told Moriah as I kept brainlessly moving forward. “We’re going up again”. The RDs had revised the course once again. Perhaps, another cell phone spot?! The descent from the “cell phone spot” was precarious and slow, but soon we rejoined with the buttery singletrack and we were on our way to the finish.

In the end, the RDs made one final course revision which was the finish line. It had moved over just slightly to the right of the chairlift, but my brain seemed to remember finishing to the left. Moriah verbally guided me in the right direction and I crossed the finish line as the second female and 15th overall.

The women’s podium: Amber Weibel, Britta Clark, and me

I remember thinking after Never Summer that that was the hardest race I had ever done, but after this year’s Castle Peak, I decided the 2019 Castle Peak was the hardest race I had done. I’m not sure if I will continue to say that about every race that I run, as if I’m suffering from some form of ultra-amnesia. I think what stuck out to me is that throughout the day, I never felt strong. I felt trashed early on and continued to run in this state. My physical training which includes a lot of back to back runs on tired legs allowed me to continue running despite my fatigue. The comradery on the trail helped me stay positive, and knowing my friends were out there experiencing the same trails gave me energy to keep moving. Even when a PR and winning was off the table, I gave it my best so that I could say and know that I did. If I learned anything from this year’s race it is that attitude is paramount, never ever give in/up, races with friends are a ton of fun, and hugs are huge.

Hugging Helen Pelster at the finish

Hugging Yuch


Never Summer 100k – 7.27.19

The Never Summer mountain range in North Central Colorado is appropriately named. Its highest peaks are cloaked with winter’s remaining snow and its lowest points contain damp meadows with numerous creek crossings and nettlesome mosquitoes. Despite winter’s lingering presence, the mountains are abundant with wildflowers, colorful lichen, and stunning lakes. The Never Summer 100k is held in late July, a time of year when thunderstorms are notorious in the Rocky Mountains. Its highest point is Diamond Peak at 11,800 ft. and the race itself averages at around 10,000 ft. The course is extremely technical, as runners negotiate trails composed entirely of ankle twisting rocks, climb over freshly hail-polished boulders, and stumble blindly through narrow meadow trails replete with hidden holes and booby traps. Mix all these ingredients together in one day, and you have the recipe for the perfect mountain ultra; beautiful, dramatic, wet, and very tough.

Going into the Never Summer 100k, I felt very little confidence that I could run this race competitively. Ever since Armstrong Redwoods 50k in May, my right big toe joint was bothering me – not enough to affect my running, but enough to cause concern as to what 64 miles and who-knows-how-many-hours could do to it. My right bunion was screaming either as a result of being crammed into a narrow soccer shoe once a week or maybe it was in cahoots with the toe. Of more concern was my left hip/leg which out of nowhere one morning decided to give me grief and resulted in an immediate inability to straighten it without pain. I hadn’t been sleeping well in months, was exhausted every day, and barely making it through the work day without feeling the need to curl up in the back of my VW bug and take a nap. The list of tasks I needed to complete to apply for grad school was slowly and heavily piling up in the back of my mind. I began to consider the idea that I might have overtraining syndrome, which is, in my opinion, a fancy word that athletes use for stress. My yin was not in balance with my yang. I was not getting enough recovery for all the training and the going-going-going. I wondered if I should stop running overall, but instead I did the best that I could. I scaled back the going-going-going, and did my best to increase the rest and downtime during my day. I tell you all this not to claim a magical success story following a stressful time, but to frame my state of mind the weeks before the race.

My altitude training consisted of spending four days running in the Mammoth mountains two weeks before the race, and arriving in Colorado the weekend before the race. Two nights were spent in Boulder, four nights in Leadville, one night in Walden, and the night before in Gould. In Leadville, I ran three times – all easyish tapering runs, but runs at altitude nonetheless. The first run was 12 easy flat miles around Turquoise Lake and I was breathing hard. The second run was a short 8 miles along the CDT from a nearby trailhead and a fair amount of climbing. Again, I huffed and puffed, and hiked most of the hills. The last run was a quick five mile jaunt down the Mineral Belt Trail in Leadville. I was still breathing hard. This race was going to be a lot harder than I thought.

Good Morning from Leadville, CO – Elevation 10,152 ft.

Yuch asked me if I was excited about the race and my response was “I’m scared”. I knew I could do the distance, but the altitude would put this huffing and puffing sea level girl at a huge disadvantage. My nagging injuries had not gone away, despite my increase in recovery methods. In Colorado, I napped every day, read my book, knit, foam rolled, cooked, and simply enjoyed not sitting at a desk in an office. I decided my goals for this race would be the following: take lots of pictures, have fun, survive, and finish before dark (ETA – 8:30 pm).

Keeping warm inside the Gould Community Center moments before the race start

Going into a race with low expectations can have its benefits. But it still doesn’t make it easier to go to the bathroom two hours before you’re used to. However, missing your morning bathroom window for an ultra isn’t the end of the world – there will be plenty of opportunities for that along the way! I started out slowly, as planned. On the first climb up 7 Utes at 11,453 ft., my body was forced to a hike. Thankfully, everyone else seemed to be doing the same thing. I pulled away to use the “lady’s room”, despite feeling the furthest away from lady-like. Much better. I continued climbing, even further back in the pack now. Oh well. There was a long way to go, so there was no sense in thinking about pace and place now.

Climbing up 7 Utes

The second major climb and the highest point of the day was Diamond Peak at 11,852 ft. Instead of switching back up the mountain, pink course flags masochistically led us straight up. I chatted with fellow runners as we bonded over this insane climb which had reduced some of us literally to a crawl.

The ascent up Diamond Peak

My method consisted of bursts of scrambling up quickly, stopping to catch my breath and rest, and then scrambling up again. It seemed to be working quite well. I took lots of pictures honoring my promise to myself to document the race. At the top it was beautiful. A group of people greeted us and someone offered to take my picture.

“I didn’t climb all the way up here for nothin!”

And then, we got to reap the rewards of all the climbing and coast along the ridgeline, the most scenic part of the course.

Descending from Diamond Peak

Running along the ridge


The descents in Never Summer are extremely technical. Many of the trails/roads are covered completely in rocks, which require unconditional focus and a little bit of pretending like you are walking on hot coals. Stepping too long in one place may result in rocks shifting from beneath you and the likelihood of an ankle roll.

Leaving the Diamond Peak aid station, someone told me I was the second place female. As I mentioned previously, I did not feel competitive going into this race. I had been moving at a snail’s pace, and this snail was taking pictures and taking bathroom breaks. The feedback was encouraging. Perhaps if I continued to run smartly, I could pick it up the last 20 miles or so which were much more “runnable” than the earlier parts of the course. Maybe I could be competitive after all.

Fire road flanked with wildflowers

The next challenge was the climb up to Kelly Lake, which sort of remains a blur to me. Up to this point, the weather had been great – cool and partly cloudy. Now the clouds seemed to take up more and more of the sky and at some point it started raining. I continued to power on, not feeling the need to put on a rain jacket as the rain was light and it was not very cold. The higher I got, the harder the rain fell, and I finally opted to duck under a tree to apply my rain jacket and put away my phone into the safety of a plastic ziplock (the pictures would sadly, end here). I was soaking wet, but not cold. I encountered snow, but this was no stranger to me. I was used to trekking across large fields of snow, most recently in Mammoth. It started to hail when I encountered the boulders – large rocks that we were apparently supposed to maneuver through. Every now and then there’d be a pink ribbon, reminding me that – yes, the trail does indeed go this way! My pace slowed down considerably as a couple of guys shimmied along past me with no problem. At some point I saw a runner down below moving very quickly and I thought “how is that possible??” When he yelled “It’s a trail!” I realized he actually had found a trail below the rocks while here I was messing around on all fours trying not to kill myself. I got myself down to where I saw him, hopped on the trail, and was out of there without looking back.

Last photo at Kelly Lake, before putting my phone away…

Departing Kelly Lake and the alpine territory that came with it, the sun began to emerge as I entered a beautiful grove of Aspens. I still had my rain jacket on as I couldn’t be bothered to remove it. I was now entering some kind of flow state that would continue up until I reached the Clear Lake aid station at mile 39.4. I can’t explain it. It just happened. The sun was out, it was humid, and I knew I should be boiling in this heat-trapping rain jacket, but I was cruising and passing runners, maneuvering trail-less meadows loaded with land mines disguised as gopher holes and rocks. I was dancing, sailing, and flying. It was an amazing feeling, while it lasted.

NS Aspen forest
Getting my groove back in the Aspen grove

At the Clear Lake aid station, I finally removed my rain jacket. From here I would have a 4.5 mile round trip out and back. Heading out on this stretch, my superhero powers had completely diminished. I nearly hiked the whole 2.2 miles to Clear Lake, which at the time felt so much more than 2.2 miles! Barely a half mile in, leading woman Sabrina Stanley flew by me. I began to wonder if I would see Yuch, or had he already gone by? My legs had nothing left. But just minutes ago I had been sailing! Finally, I saw Yuch and we stopped on the trail to talk. I was glad to hear his ankle, which he had rolled two weeks prior, seemed to be doing okay. It was nice seeing him and talking to him, but at some point I said “I gotta go!” and took off (as much as someone can take off when they are hiking up a hill). On the way back from Clear Lake, I was made aware of the women who were on my tail, the first being Amber, who I had run and chatted with earlier on in the race. I was happy to see her doing so well. She had mentioned she had run this race a couple years back, not done as well as she wanted, and spent some time “puking”. As uplifting it was to see all the runners behind me on the out and back, it also made me extremely aware of how close some women were. If I were to remain in second place, I would need to keep moving.

The bulk of the climbing was over. Time to pick it up. And then, the clouds filled the sky again and shot big pellets of hail repeatedly on to my bare arms and legs. “AHHHHH!!!” I screamed all the way into Canadian Aid Station at mile 50, to find the volunteers and some runners had taken cover under the tents.  Spectators along the trail were huddled under their rain jackets. Time to put on my rain jacket again unless I wanted to be beaten into a hail driven pulp. I left Canadian with only 14 more miles to the finish.

These last 14 miles should have been some of the fastest miles of the race, but instead they ended up being painfully slow. My back was killing me and I would run the rest of the race with my hands placed on my hips. The trail was now a river and rivers are made to swim in, not run in. Prior to this trail river, I had been doing my best to avert water and mud on the trails, but the situation was now completely out of my control. I surrendered completely, and splashed my way ahead gaining wonderful particles of mud and cow dung into my shoes. Bring it on, trail river! But slogging through trail rivers is an exhausting act, and I began to tire and would stop and walk. Run, walk, run, walk, swat mosquito, run, walk.

I arrived at Bockman aid station, only 5.7 miles after Canadian, but it seemed like a mud slogging lifetime. I saw my mom and her friend Karla up ahead and I waved. The aid station volunteer explained to me that it was only 6.2 miles with 1,000 ft. of elevation gain to the next aid station and then 2.2 easy miles to the finish. He filled my pack up with water, but the whole process was happening so slowly that I started to get anxious. For all I knew, I was about to get overtaken by the women behind me, and after all I had gone through, I was not ready to give up second place.

The fire road out of Bockman would have been easy, had I not run over 50 miles already. It gradually went uphill, and was definitely runnable, but I was tired. Every time I stopped to walk, I would think about getting passed and I would start running again. I thought about the aid station volunteer, and wondered if this was the 1,000 ft. of gain he was talking about. If so, it really wasn’t too bad. Soon, I came across a massive hill. Aha, I thought. Silly me. That fire road must have been like 10 ft. of gain because here was the rest of it. At some point I was passed by a runner who delivered a message that the third place woman was behind me (no kidding!), but she may have stopped to walk so I probably didn’t have anything to worry about. I couldn’t tell if the message was supposed to reassure me, or scare the bejeebies out of me. I had been running scared for a while, but now I was really scared. I was certain my meadow slog had cost me and now I would lose everything I had worked for. I ran as fast as I could to the finish, which was somewhat possible due to the flat and downhill nature of the trail, and crossed the finish line at 8:18 pm, with a time of 14 hours and 45 minutes. Crouched over with my hands on my knees, I breathed out sighs of relief. I felt like I needed to explain myself. “I was being chased!” But, the third place woman would not arrive to the finish until 37 minutes later.

At the finish, The Gould Community Center was a welcome sight. I entered to find a roaring fire and wet clothing, shoes, and runners strewn across chairs. I changed into warm clothes in the kitchen and placed myself in front of the fire. Yuch brought me hot soup. My stomach was messed up from all the Roctane and Spring Energy, but I was also really hungry from not having eaten anything in a while. Knowing there was no food back at our little Powderhorn cabin, we took vegetarian burgers and soup to go.

Powderhorn Cabin in Gould, CO

Back at our cabin, we took hot showers and tucked ourselves into our beds. Both of our stomachs were a mess, but we were starving so we mustered up the courage to eat our burgers. They were delicious and nourishing. As I lie in bed, wide-eyed and unable to sleep, I listened to the rain and thought of all the runners who were still out there in the dark, splashing through that trail river.

The women’s podium: Sabrina Stanley, me, and Amber Pougiales

The Dipsea and the Double Dipsea – A Double Review

Two races. 6 days apart. Same basic route. Both handicapped. Two totally different experiences. This is my review of the 2019 Dipsea and Double Dipsea.


Getting in:

The Dipsea can be difficult to get in to, especially if you’re not a local. Applications must be submitted via Snail Mail as soon as they’re available and entries are awarded on a first come first serve basis. This gives priority to locals, but if you’re not local – you can still squirrel your way in with a good sob story, or some good old fashioned bribe money. Once you get in, you must endure the initiation phase of the Dipsea: the Runner section. If you can manage to get top 750, you will then be invited back into the Invitational section which means you can now bypass the complicated entry process, as well as minimize the number of runners you have to pass on the course (the runner section has a later start time). The key is to maintain your invitational status year to year, by placing in the top 450. I ran my first Dipsea in 2015 and placed 719, barely squeaking into the top 750. In the last 4 years, I’ve maintained my invitational status which basically requires running a decent time, placing the Dipsea priority over other races that may be happening around this time, and sometimes hopping off your PCT thru hike to avoid going back to square one again.

To get in to the Double Dipsea, you can register on Brazen Racing’s website as soon as registration opens. Anyone can register – just try and do it soon, as the race tends to sell out quickly. Like the single Dipsea, you can register as a couple or a team. Yuch and I decided to enter as a couple and see if we could get the fastest couple award.


The course:

The Dipsea starts in downtown Mill Valley at the Depot and ends at Stinson Beach towards the back parking lot. The official race website claims the race is 7.4 miles long. However, your mileage will depend on the shortcuts you take (or do not take) on race day. The race also includes a couple of fast road sections which are critical places to pick up some time and pick off some runners. Getting to Cardiac is always rewarding as it signals the end of the climbing and the beginning of the descent to Stinson.

The Double Dipsea begins at Stinson Beach, turns around at Old Mill Park, and finishes at Stinson Beach immediately as you enter the first parking lot. The race is approximately 13.7 miles. The high point here is getting to Old Mill Park as you are halfway done. I also found it encouraging to see my halfway split was 1:07. Going into the Double, I thought if I ran a good race, I might run 2:20. Seeing my 1:07 time was helpful because I felt like I had been running smartly, not too fast and not too slow, and now felt confident that a sub 2:20 time was possible.


The handicaps:

Both races have a handicapped system where runners are given “headstart” minutes based on their age and gender, in order to equalize the playing field.  The Dipsea’s head start table is located here. The Double Dipsea’s head start table is located here. As a 35 year old female, I got an 8 minute head start in the Dipsea this year, and a 19 minute head start in the Double. In the Dipsea, I have to wait until I’m 40 to gain another minute, but then immediately get another minute when I turn 41. In the Double Dipsea, I will gain 4 minutes when I turn 40, but then have to wait until I turn 45 for 4 more. Finally – it “pays” to get old!


The shortcuts:

There are 3 primary “shortcuts” during the Dipsea – Suicide, Swoop, and the Panoramic shortcuts. These shortcuts will trim off a considerable amount of mileage and time if you can navigate them swiftly and without injuring yourself. My last couple of Dipseas, I have not taken Suicide, and gone for the “safer option” (there’s actually a sign that says Safer Option and a little voice in my head urges me to go for it vs. A Trail Called Suicide). For some reason, I got it into my head that Suicide will slow me down as I’m slower and more prudent on steep downhill than the alternative runnable section. This year, I decided “I’m taking Suicide!” I practiced it in training and it wasn’t as bad as I remembered, so I decided to go for it. I felt out of control as my legs moved underneath me down the hill faster than I could manage. I saw my friend Moriah, who is a downhill speed demon, on my left and I yelled “Moriah! I’m doing it Moriah!” and I couldn’t believe it when I flew/tumbled/magically appeared ahead of her, maybe not so gracefully but sans-face plant is enough grace for me. Suicide and Swoop brought more out-of-control Megan legs to my day with a lot of near ankle rolls on the narrow poison oak lined gullies.

Shortcuts are not allowed in the Double Dipsea. Anyone caught taking shortcuts or skipping any part of the course will be disqualified, which is exactly what happened during the 2019 race. It kind of surprised me, since it seems like a hard thing to “accidentally” do. Suicide is not obvious, Swoop had a sign on it, and the Panoramic Shortcuts are also very obscure. The elimination of the shortcuts may lead you to think less opportunities for poison oak, however I seemed to get more poison oak on the Double than the Single.


The vibe:

The Dipsea is very important to a lot of people. This leads to a more “stressful” anticipation of the race and a lot more competition out there in the field. Many of these runners have been running the Dipsea for many years on end, and are looking to slice seconds off their times. While many people do run it for fun, the Dipsea is a very serious matter! Before the race, you will see some runners warming up along Miller Ave. and Throckmorton so that the initial climb up the Dipsea stairs is not a huge shock to the system. The start waves are very organized with two separate bigger waves for the separate Invitational and Runner section. Within each larger wave, there are then 26 waves that start a minute apart, depending on your age and gender. Your race bib will have your wave on it, your wave will be called out in advance for you to get “in the pit” i.e. next up, and off you go. There is a huge crowd of spectators lined around the start and down Throckmorton to observe this crazy little race that is in its 109th running. During the race, it’s all business. “On your left” will be the most frequently spouted phrase, as every person passed counts on your 7.4 mile journey to Stinson. The top 35 will receive the coveted “black shirt” with their place on it, but this victory is not just your average victory. Getting a black shirt in the Dipsea is very hard to do, so if you get one – you’re pretty darn fast, if you ask me.

Dipsea Q Group.jpg
Wave U: Men 13, 50-51

The Double Dipsea has a much more relaxed vibe. Once upon a time, this may have been different. The Double Dipsea clearly does not have as much history as the Dipsea having only been run for 50 years vs. 109. 50 years is still a long time. In researching past results, I found that the Double Dipsea used to be a lot more competitive. At some point, it lost this competition and I’m not sure if it has to do with the change from DSE to Brazen Racing or what. The start at Stinson was very different than the start at the Depot. There is only one bigger wave (no separation of invitational vs. runner). There was no pre-start line “pit”, and your wave is not written on your bib ahead of time. The race director casually calls out the wave times, and if you don’t know your wave ahead of time, you will likely miss it. As I stepped up to to the 35-39 year old female group, a man who was late for the previous wave nonchalantly made his way past us – something you would never likely see in the Dipsea! During the race, I passed many people, but did not get passed by many. I kept waiting to get passed by the Alex Varners and the Gus Gibbs’, but no such people seemed to exist in this race, at least not today. As I approached Old Mill Park, I began to see my competition – all the people who had started before me (or who may have passed me already) that were on their way back to Stinson already. On the way back, the pack of runners Old Mill Park-bound thickened on the singletrack paralleling Muir Woods Rd. The amazing thing was that all these runners would shout “Runner!” to the string of runners behind them, and everyone would move to the side, so that I could easily pass by. The communication was incredible. I was so used to fending for myself, I did not expect this. I started to hear people saying my name and cheering me on. At first I thought “Oh did I know that person?” and “Gee, who are these people that know me?” and finally “I must be famous!” Suddenly it dawned on me that my name was written on my bib. I guess I wasn’t famous after all, but I still thought it was pretty cool to have people cheering me on, even if they had no idea who I was. This is not typical in a trail race. During road marathons, I’ve had random spectators say my name by simply looking at my bib, but I was not used to this on the trails. It was awesome, and really cemented the vibe of the Double Dipsea and how I will always remember it. The descent from Cardiac to Stinson was primarily a solo experience in comparison to the Single Dipsea. There were few to pass, and even fewer passing me. It was quiet and meditative, like I was out on a run by myself.

Departing Steep Ravine


Yuch got black shirt #15, and I got 44th place with a handicapped time of 57:24 and a running time of 1:05:23. While I only PRed by seconds, I placed significantly higher than past years. I felt good about my race, making considerable progress on the descents. So, how come my time does not reflect this?! Perhaps it had to do with how hot it was on race day, already in the 80’s at the start at 8:30 am in the morning. This was the hottest Dipsea thus far (for me), and I think it may have impacted a lot of the times on race day. Or, at least that’s my excuse! Regardless, I’m getting closer to that black shirt.

2019 Dipsea Award Ceremony

Yuch and I managed to snag the Fastest Couple award at the Double Dipsea with a combined handicapped time of 3:50:15. Yuch won the race, I got 6th overall, and 3rd female with two super fit 60 year old women placing ahead of me. My chip time was 1:58:05 and my running time was 2:17:05, with my splits being 1:07 and 1:09. I was proud of my fairly even splits and for running the Double faster than I thought I could. The weather was 20-30 degrees cooler than the week prior which made a big difference in how I felt physically out there on the course.

A sleep deprived Yuch catches some zees during the photo



 Both of these races are awesome and it’s so hard to compare apples and oranges here. While, the single Dipsea is a much more “serious” affair, it doesn’t have to be. I probably take it more seriously than a lot of people and less seriously than the rest of the people. It seems more stressful than the Double Dipsea because you have less time to do the work and get to the finish line. And as someone who is better at longer than shorter events, it seems more difficult to me. I felt more in control in the Double Dipsea. I never was gasping for air up a climb, clearly because I wasn’t going as fast. But, I just felt like it was easier to pace. My goal during the Double was to run even splits. My goal during the Single is always to run as fast as Meganly possible, which can always be a risky endeavor! Both races can be fairly dangerous with runners passing each other on sometimes very narrow singletrack. The Dipsea has 1500 runners flowing in the same direction, while the Double has about half that amount going in both the same and opposite direction. The trails most subject to injuries are probably the shortcuts in the Dipsea, while on the Double the most densely packed section is the singletrack paralleling Muir Woods Rd. Yuch, being the front runner, collided with another runner who probably wasn’t expecting to see anyone so soon. They both smashed into each other and then onto the ground, resulting in a very costly rib-smashing Double Dipsea victory for Yuch. While both races are fun and different, I found that for me they both are a solo test of how I can run each of these courses. It’s true I’m competing against others, but what really matters to me is my time and how I improve (or do not improve) from year to year on the same course.

My Dipsea times over the last 5 years

So, now that I’ve presented with you with the pros and cons of each race, I welcome you to pick your poison. And if neither of these races sound like your cup of tea, there’s always the Quad Dipsea.

Armstrong Redwoods 50k – 5.04.19


The Armstrong Redwoods 50k is 3 weeks after Lake Sonoma – just enough time to recover and get back out there on the race scene. It’s also the same weekend as the Miwok 100k, which is why Yuch and I haven’t done this race the last couple of years. As much as I love Miwok, I decided to skip it this year and check out some new races and new trails. PCTR’s Armstrong Redwoods 50k is one of Yuch’s favorite races, for a reason that I was not exactly certain of, but was hoping to get to the bottom of.

The current 50k course has about 8,500 ft of elevation gain, making it tougher than the toughest 50k I’ve done to date, the Tamalpa Headlands 50k (and that didn’t go over so well for me). Due to storm damage, the course was adjusted the week before the race. Instead of being one 16.3 mile loop followed by a nearly identical 15.2 mile loop, the race would be a 14.1 mile loop, followed by a nearly identical 11.1 mile loop, followed by a smaller 5.9 mile loop. Similar to the original course, the first loop would include a short out and back section where each runner must grab a bracelet. All three loops would contain the same harrowing climb out from the start/finish line, and end with the same fast downhill to the finish. The re-route also claimed to have 7,656 ft of elevation gain, making it much “easier” than the original course.

Yuch thought I could go for the course record (5:05 by Kimberly O’Donnell in 2014 – the same woman who has the course record for MUC). I thought I could not. I’ve had slower times at Way Too Cool and that course has almost half the climbing as Armstrong! That being said, it’s always nice to have something to aim for. However, I would not be using my watch or creating a pace chart. It’s been a long while since my last 50k, and I had no idea how to pace it other than going by feel.

PCTR reserves campsites for the runners and offers them during registration. Initially we had reserved an AirBnb, but due to the recent flooding in Guerneville, it got cancelled in the months before the race. We emailed Greg and were lucky enough to snag one of the remaining campsites at Bullfrog Campground, just 10 minutes from the race start. The campsites seem to vary in size and quality. The one that we reserved was nice enough, but definitely pretty closely packed with our neighbors on either side. The places to pitch a tent (away from the road) are limited as the campsite begins to gradually slope down at a certain point. However, the campground was nice enough, and I would definitely recommend it as the best and closest option the night before the race.

The week before the race, Yuch got sick. He was pretty bummed and I was pretty bummed because this whole tough-50k-three-weeks-after-Lake-Sonoma thing was his idea! He decided to come anyway, and spectate. A couple days before the race, Moriah signed up, deciding that attending and managing her three kid’s field trips in addition to marking the Miwok course, was just not enough on her plate.

The weather was perfect. The Russian River area can get pretty toasty in the summer, so we were lucky to have a clear day, but only getting into the high 60’s. Yuch dropped me off at the race start, and I asked “Where is everybody?” Yuch commented that he saw the finish line arch, and I remembered how small of a race it was. Last year’s race had 160 runners over 4 distances, but only 16 runners for the 50k. With the 50k being the first to start, I now understood where “everybody” was.

Vicky, me, and Moriah all smiles at the start line

And then we were off. Climbing out of the Vistor’s Center on East Ridge Trail, I began to think “I can’t believe I have to do this three times”; a funny thought for someone who ran in circles around Chrissy Field for 24 hours. When I arrived at the Bullfrog Campground Aid Station, I realized that the out and back to get the bracelet went right by our campsite. Yuch had returned back to camp after dropping me off, but I knew he was meditating inside his tent. As I ran by on my journey to get my bracelet, I refrained from shouting for Yuch, so as not to disturb his meditation session.


East Austin Creek Fire Road down to Gilliam Creek was a lot of fast downhill. I thought about Yuch’s advice before the race: “Take it easy on the uphills, and bomb the downhills”. With uphills being my strength, I tend to pass people in races on the ascents, and get passed on the descents. This would not be the case this time around. Cramming Skratch gingerbread cookie into my mouth, I passed by two men who, in my mind, were going way too slow for this no-brainer-total-freebie downhill. What goes down must go up, and up we went out of the creek, where the same two men passed me on the uphill as I was reduced to a fast hike. The last of the climbing was done (for the first loop) when I arrived at Pool Ridge Aid Station, and it would be a lot of fast downhill to the finish from here on out. Again, I flew by the same two men.

Passing through Pool Ridge Aid Station

Arriving at the finish line (for the first loop), friend and volunteer Justin Brandt instructed me to “hit” the finish line, and then “hit” the orange loop again. Easy for him to say. Out of the Visitor’s Center I climbed, again. It actually wasn’t as bad as I had initially thought. I think these things can be mentally overwhelming before they’re actually done, but once I accepted what had to be done and just did it, it was what it was – just moving forward. The second loop was harder, since my legs were more fatigued on the climbing, but went by much faster, as it skipped the out and back by the meditating campers. The day was starting to warm up, and I was glad I had packed two bottles of Gu Roctane Summit Tea, so easy and refreshing to drink during a race! Before I knew it, I was back to the finish line, again. I grabbed some more water for my pack, and as much as I wanted to hang around and mingle with the little people, I went out to “hit” the green loop – just 5.9 miles more. I’m not going to lie – there was a lot of hiking, but I ran where I could, and rejoiced as I arrived at the East Ridge/Pool Ridge short-cut. It was all downhill from here. Groundhog’s Day was finally coming to a close.


I finished the race in 5:24. At the finish line, I told Greg I had no idea how that course record was set. He responded that the course was a lot easier in 2014. This made me feel a little better about the race and also about what happened at MUC. It’s becoming clear that these races are constantly evolving and courses can differ from year to year, and given we are not running for money here – I’m fine with that. And despite the difference, Vince Dimassa still got a blazing fast time and a new course record.

Suzanna Bon came in second and Moriah in third. I felt proud to stand on the podium with two strong ladies and fantastic runners. I had heard of Suzanna before…perhaps a podcast or seen her name on race leaderboards, but couldn’t place why I truly recognized her. I later found out that she had the old course record at NYOD as well as one of the fastest times at the Castle Peak 100k. Her mileage at NYOD is what inspired me and ultimately guided me to the course record.

The podium: Suzanna Bon, me, and Moriah


I still am not sure why Yuch loves this race so much. It was pointed out to me that the best part of the race was cut out this year and included some ample creek crossings. Armstrong Redwoods is certainly a beautiful park and the views from the ridge are really nice. The technical ascents and smooth descents make for a fast finish (all three times). And, having the race triple back did mean seeing other runners out there on the course which was fun and encouraging. Would I do it again? Sure, why not!

Things I Learned From the 2019 Lake Sonoma

IMG_09841. Not all courses (of the same approximate elevation gain) are created equal.

After viewing the first half of the course at the Lake Sonoma Training runs, I speculated that the course was faster than Marin Ultra Challenge. While both races possess an elevation gain of about 10,500 ft, their profiles are quite different with MUC having bigger climbs and descents, and Lake Sonoma having more of an overall consistently rolling profile. Hypothetically, I should be able to run a faster time at Lake Sonoma, I thought. I made a pace chart aiming for an 8 hour finish which comes out to a 9.5 minute mile pace. Based on past finishing times, this time seemed a little fast and perhaps ambitious, but I always like to set my goals high. Plus, I hoped that being surrounded by a lot of fast folks might push me to run faster (Note: the fast folks must be around you for this to actually work). Realistically, I knew I’d be over 8 hours, but less than 8:20. I was curious to see why the race kept referring to the course as “relentless”. It seemed very runnable from what I understood!

Everyone went out fast. I knew that I needed to run my own race and be conservative the first half if I was to have any legs left for the way back. Even at my conservative pace, I felt like I was moving pretty quickly. I went with it. I got to the first aid station at Warm Springs (11.4) around 8:20, 10 minutes earlier than my predicted time. It seemed about right since I’d likely slow down on the big hills towards the midpoint anyway. The first half was very runnable up until those last hills which I power hiked. I arrived at No Name Flat at 10:35, 5 minutes later than my goal time. At this rate, an 8 hour finish would be impossible unless I ran negative splits which seemed unlikely. I adjusted my goals.

I spent very little time at the aid stations, just enough time to grab my bottles from my drop bags and refill on water. The volunteers were fantastic – attentive and efficient. I was in and out in minutes.

The section from No Name Flat to Madrone was hot and exposed. I hiked a lot of those hills, but when I encountered any hills in the shade, I all of a sudden had legs to power up then. After the exposed section and pretty much until the end of the race, my legs felt strong. I ran the runnable sections fast, powered up the easier hills, and power hiked the harder ones. I passed a number of men (not so many women to pass). I felt good about my race. I wasn’t dying, I had a lot of energy, I was taking down fuel like nobody’s business, and my legs were still with me to the end.

I finished the race in a time of 8:42:46, way off my goal time and considerably slower than both times I’ve run MUC. I was proud of my race and feel like I couldn’t have run any faster or smarter than I did that day. There is nothing that I can think of that could have improved my time (other than perhaps just overall better training and cooler weather).

At the same time, my legs don’t feel that fatigued today, so maybe I just didn’t run fast enough! Or maybe my legs are just getting used to this.

2. Pre-race freak out is a real thing whether you are conscious of it or not.

The week before the race, my boss came into work sick. I immediately became hypersensitive, washing and sanitizing my hands consistently throughout the day. The thing about working in an office is, it is extremely difficult to avoid other people’s germs when you’re exchanging paperwork and files, so the most important thing is to just avoid touching your face and washing your hands before eating. I felt like I dodged a bullet when every morning I would wake up feeling fine, but each day at work stressed me out and I started to worry about how much it would suck to run 50 miles with a cold. Towards the end of the week, I started to feel “off”. I couldn’t narrow down any specific symptoms, but my throat felt “buggy”, and I felt feverish at times, feeling colder than usual in my grandma’s sauna of a house, and at other times sweating. The Friday before the race, I felt fatigued and “just not 100%”. Yuch reassured me that it didn’t sound like I had any real symptoms. At the same time, I had convinced him enough that he refused to kiss me.

I considered the idea that this might be psychosomatic. I typically seem to always have some king of nagging injury (whether real or not so real) going into a race, and this was the first time that I didn’t. Perhaps, my brain had decided to make myself dwell on the slightest feeling of not feeling great instead. It wasn’t unreasonable considering I had been around sick people. But, I just didn’t feel terribly invested in this race, so it didn’t seem to add up.

At our campsite, I didn’t feel excited about the race. I didn’t even know if I was going to be able to run it. If I woke up and was sick, I’d have to decide whether or not to run 50 miles feeling under the weather, or to not toe the line at all. That night I took half an Ativan and slept for almost 9 hours. I woke up feeling absolutely fine. Maybe I was fighting something and I successfully fought it, or maybe there was never anything to worry about from the start. Whatever may have happened, there is no doubting that the slightest aches and pains can feel increasingly magnified in the weeks leading up to a race.

3. Liquid fuel is hugely helpful and quite enjoyable on a warm day.

For longer races, I tend to eat solid food towards the beginning of a race, and transition to liquids and Gu. When I saw that the high on race day was going to be 75, I decided to fuel primarily with Gu Roctane, alongside Gu, a Skratch gingerbread cookie, and a Honey Stinger waffle. I put 2 bottles per drop bag, in an insulated freezer pack. My fuel plan was flawless. The drinks were cold when I got to them, hydrating, 200 calories each, and easy to drink. Had I not had them, I know I would have had a difficult time dealing with solid food and consequently getting less calories in. If you suffer from the same difficulties tolerating food while racing, I highly recommend liquid calories, whether it be smoothies, or some kind of high calorie electrolyte drink. Just know that not all electrolyte drinks are great for calories. For example, Skratch and Nuun do not provide sufficient calories to substitute for fuel.

4. Camping the night before the race is the closest accommodations you will find to the race start.

Liberty Glen campground is just 10 minutes from the start, so unless you’re camping at the actual finish line, I dare you to find a closer place than that. Healdsburg is about 30 minutes away and pricey. The drive from Novato is about an hour and a half. Spending less time in the car means a later wake up time (if you can  consider 4:30 am “late”), and less energy wasted before the race. Liberty Glen is peaceful, beautiful, and there’s no cell phone reception offering relaxing pre and post-race accommodations. They also have showers. For $30 a night, you can’t beat it. Just make sure and get there early enough to grab one of the nicer sites. While you can make a reservation ahead of time, campsites are first come first serve. We arrived around 3 pm on Friday, and a family had just snagged our favorite site. Nevertheless, we found another great site.

5. Even though it can be hard, do not compare yourself to others (especially when they’re blazing fast!!)

This is a tough one. Sure, we race for a multitude of reasons, but one of the main ones is to compare ourselves to others in the field. As I mentioned before, I felt like I had a solid race and felt proud of my performance, how I felt mentally and physically, and how I finished. Yes, it’s true I slowed down throughout the course of the race, but when looking at even the elite runners, no one runs completely even or negative splits at a trail race (no one that I looked up anyway). Especially when you consider that the morning is dark and cool and later in the day it becomes sunny and warm. I found most of the top runners that I looked at slowed down by about 50-60 seconds per mile, which is not significantly less than how much I slowed down.

As more time passes, I’ve begun to doubt myself for no real reason. After looking at the results, I wonder, who are these women who ran faster than me, and could I have run a better time/a better place? How come my time was so far off of my MUC time? After waking up this morning, my legs didn’t feel like I had just run a race and I wonder, did I even run fast enough? Did I hike more hills that I should have run? Am I not very good at racing? These creeping doubts are really starting to irk me. I know in my heart that I ran the best race that I could yesterday, and I am proud of that. To run 50 miles is hard enough in itself, but to run 50 miles fast is just crazy. I’m comparing myself to some seriously fast women, some of whom train at altitude, some of whom who have Olympic qualifying marathon times, and many who have coaches and get paid to race. I’m comparing myself to myself on another course, a course which is different, took place in cool temperatures, and not nearly as competitive. I’m comparing myself to others and that’s just silly. So, I hope that when I remember Lake Sonoma I will always remember how strong I felt in that last half, how beautiful and uplifting the wildflowers were along the course, how nice it was to see friendly faces at the aid stations, along the trail, and at the finish line, how proud I was to still have running legs to go up and down, how grateful I am to have running legs in general, and how good I felt about myself when I crossed the finish line. Because that is all that really matters. That being said…I still want a do-over. Some day. 🙂